If I were asked about endearing qualities a person could possess then I doubt that 'selfish' would be one of them. Would I want someone who is described as selfish as a potential friend or partner? Probably not. Being selfish typically conjures up negative connotations and I think for this reason, if most people were asked if they were selfish themselves the vast majority would say no - regardless of whether that would be a truly honest answer or that they were just kidding themselves.
But do a quick internet search around whether or not it is okay to be selfish and the consensus seems to be that it is and furthermore that it can actually be a good and healthy thing. There is a lot of advice out there that suggests that taking time to think about and appreciate oneself is not only condoned but can often be a necessity in order to lead a fulfilling life, to help others, and to not be taken advantage of.
A lot of the time when someone is accused of being selfish what they are actually being is self-involved. To be selfish is an active decision in that we consciously choose to put ourselves and our own needs above those of others. Sometimes this is a valid thing and needs to happen to reaffirm our own self worth. Being self involved to the point of affecting other people and then not having the awareness of even having done it is far worse. This is actually one of my pet hates; people who are so wrapped up in themselves, that their own needs and problems come at the expense of realising that no-one actually cares, and having no notion of how what they do or say affects other people. That, to me is 'selfish'.
I'd say then that it's okay to be selfish - look after number one because if you don't then who else will? Go after the things you really want. Do what makes you happy. Of course this doesn't mean that you can't do things for other people either - sharing, thoughtfulness, empathy, good deeds - all this is still possible whilst maintaining your own needs. And as long as this doesn't impact negatively on other people, by keeping an awareness of the consequences of your own actions, then as I see it everyone's a winner.
Thursday 6 June 2013
Monday 29 April 2013
Is optimism really the way forward?
People will tell you (including my mother) that it is much better to be optimistic about life than it is to be pessimistic. If you are optimistic then good things will happen. Think positive. You reap what you sow. What you think is what you get.
Now as nice an ethos as this is, I can't help but question whether this is actually the case. Can we really affect the things that happen just be altering our mental attitude? I joke amongst my friends that I am a pessimist rather than an optimist, but upon deeper reflection I'm actually more of a que sera sera girl and no amount of altering of attitudes will affect how things pan out.
I have a good friend who is a huge believer in Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) and will champion the merits of believing good things will happen and that positivism breeds positive things. I'm not against this per se but just lately I have had a few pleasant things happen to me out of the blue with no prior forethought to actively making these things happen.
I found a funny quote on the Internet the other day which read that the upside of being a pessimist is that you are either constantly being proven right or are pleasantly surprised. I don't want to create the impression that I am a misery guts or anything because I am not but if I was asked to choose between optimism or pessimism I would probably lean towards pessimism simply because it seems to require less effort, and frankly, I suspect the end result will be the same anyhow.
Let me demonstrate with some examples. I have recently had to hand in two large pieces of work for my course and ever since we were first given the assignments, the importance of 'writing at Masters level' and 'being critical' was banged into us at every opportunity. This scared the life out of me and I didn't really feel like I knew what I was doing, and was convinced that I would spectacularly fail the assignments. I didn't. I got distinctions on both of them to my absolute shock (and pleasure of course!).
I broke up with my long term partner last year and spent a good few months wallowing in something akin to self-pity/pessimism, thinking I was destined to die alone, no-one would ever want to be with me, I'm a crap person etc etc. But I was persuaded* by friends and family to have a go at Internet dating, which by the way I was very sceptical about. It turns out that even with this sceptical, pessimistic attitude and not really that much effort on my part, I have come into contact with some really lovely people who seem to like me for me. Which is awesome.
So the question that is begging to be asked in my head is this: if you think positive things and have a highly optimistic attitude in order to allow good things to happen, then what's going on with this good stuff happening in my life? I have come to the conclusion that you can't actually affect the things that will happen in your life through optimism (if this was the case then I'm sure some company would have pounced on this by now and be selling optimism on the Web at highly inflated prices), but maybe optimists have a better time whilst waiting for life to unfold.
Personally I think the beauty of life is that you don't know what's coming up - good or bad - and that the best way to deal with whatever life throws at you is with a 'let's see what happens' attitude. Oh, and a healthy dose of cynicism for good measure. ;)
*For persuaded read 'bullied'.
Now as nice an ethos as this is, I can't help but question whether this is actually the case. Can we really affect the things that happen just be altering our mental attitude? I joke amongst my friends that I am a pessimist rather than an optimist, but upon deeper reflection I'm actually more of a que sera sera girl and no amount of altering of attitudes will affect how things pan out.
I have a good friend who is a huge believer in Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) and will champion the merits of believing good things will happen and that positivism breeds positive things. I'm not against this per se but just lately I have had a few pleasant things happen to me out of the blue with no prior forethought to actively making these things happen.
I found a funny quote on the Internet the other day which read that the upside of being a pessimist is that you are either constantly being proven right or are pleasantly surprised. I don't want to create the impression that I am a misery guts or anything because I am not but if I was asked to choose between optimism or pessimism I would probably lean towards pessimism simply because it seems to require less effort, and frankly, I suspect the end result will be the same anyhow.
Let me demonstrate with some examples. I have recently had to hand in two large pieces of work for my course and ever since we were first given the assignments, the importance of 'writing at Masters level' and 'being critical' was banged into us at every opportunity. This scared the life out of me and I didn't really feel like I knew what I was doing, and was convinced that I would spectacularly fail the assignments. I didn't. I got distinctions on both of them to my absolute shock (and pleasure of course!).
I broke up with my long term partner last year and spent a good few months wallowing in something akin to self-pity/pessimism, thinking I was destined to die alone, no-one would ever want to be with me, I'm a crap person etc etc. But I was persuaded* by friends and family to have a go at Internet dating, which by the way I was very sceptical about. It turns out that even with this sceptical, pessimistic attitude and not really that much effort on my part, I have come into contact with some really lovely people who seem to like me for me. Which is awesome.
So the question that is begging to be asked in my head is this: if you think positive things and have a highly optimistic attitude in order to allow good things to happen, then what's going on with this good stuff happening in my life? I have come to the conclusion that you can't actually affect the things that will happen in your life through optimism (if this was the case then I'm sure some company would have pounced on this by now and be selling optimism on the Web at highly inflated prices), but maybe optimists have a better time whilst waiting for life to unfold.
Personally I think the beauty of life is that you don't know what's coming up - good or bad - and that the best way to deal with whatever life throws at you is with a 'let's see what happens' attitude. Oh, and a healthy dose of cynicism for good measure. ;)
*For persuaded read 'bullied'.
Monday 22 April 2013
A&E for me
Today I have completed my very first shift in A&E as a student nurse and I loved it. I was looking forward to it ever since I found out I had a placement there but as time ticked on I started to become more and more nervous about what might unfold and that I'd be thrown in at the deep end.
As it turned out I was thrown in at the deep end...'You'll be in Resus this afternoon' (What???) But it was fine. There is actually an air of calm about the whole place which I shall be reassured by if I ever end up there in a state of emergency. I didn't want to jinx it by saying the immortal words 'oh this is quieter than I thought it'd be' but as it happened it was a pretty ok shift. I helped with a chest drain on a lady with a pneumothorax (air collecting between the lung and chest wall which stops the lung from inflating properly for the non-medical peeps out there), a man with breathing problems who, when he was brought in looked so ill I seriously thought his number was up (he was fine BTW), a man who had half a tone of steel girder dropped on his foot (ouch!),a guy with AF (irregular heartbeat), and an old lady whose hip had dislocated. And that was only half the shift.
I'm half pleased and half disappointed that there was no major trauma incidents to deal with. Obviously I don't wish awful injuries on people but the learning I would get from that would be immense. According to my mentor there have been shifts where there has been about 5 separate incidents resulting in 5 deaths in as many hours. Which is quite scary when you stop and think about it. But maybe saving that until after day one was a good thing for little old me.
Of course there was stuff on the flip side of the coin too. The old man who had already been banned from another hospital for being aggressive, who came in with a sore throat. Yes you read that right, a sore throat FFS, the agressive drunken girl, and the man who thought it fitting upon being asked to remove his top so he could have an ECG, to throw it at my head in an attempted striptease and ask if I wanted to also remove his pants.
But I took it all with good humour and just got on with the job, letting things unfold in front of as they will. But the highlight of my day was when a patient I had been comforting through a procedure due to her fear of needles turned to me and said 'you'll make a great nurse.'
Now THAT felt good.
As it turned out I was thrown in at the deep end...'You'll be in Resus this afternoon' (What???) But it was fine. There is actually an air of calm about the whole place which I shall be reassured by if I ever end up there in a state of emergency. I didn't want to jinx it by saying the immortal words 'oh this is quieter than I thought it'd be' but as it happened it was a pretty ok shift. I helped with a chest drain on a lady with a pneumothorax (air collecting between the lung and chest wall which stops the lung from inflating properly for the non-medical peeps out there), a man with breathing problems who, when he was brought in looked so ill I seriously thought his number was up (he was fine BTW), a man who had half a tone of steel girder dropped on his foot (ouch!),a guy with AF (irregular heartbeat), and an old lady whose hip had dislocated. And that was only half the shift.
I'm half pleased and half disappointed that there was no major trauma incidents to deal with. Obviously I don't wish awful injuries on people but the learning I would get from that would be immense. According to my mentor there have been shifts where there has been about 5 separate incidents resulting in 5 deaths in as many hours. Which is quite scary when you stop and think about it. But maybe saving that until after day one was a good thing for little old me.
Of course there was stuff on the flip side of the coin too. The old man who had already been banned from another hospital for being aggressive, who came in with a sore throat. Yes you read that right, a sore throat FFS, the agressive drunken girl, and the man who thought it fitting upon being asked to remove his top so he could have an ECG, to throw it at my head in an attempted striptease and ask if I wanted to also remove his pants.
But I took it all with good humour and just got on with the job, letting things unfold in front of as they will. But the highlight of my day was when a patient I had been comforting through a procedure due to her fear of needles turned to me and said 'you'll make a great nurse.'
Now THAT felt good.
Sunday 21 April 2013
When will people learn to think before they speak?
So it's happened again. Another political figure being slated in the press for blurting out what is seemingly the first thing that pops into their tiny brain. Conservative Councillor John Cherry, commenting on the plans for a boarding school in Stockwell, West Sussex for ethnic minority children from London, has reportedly said he has 'concerns' about how the school would affect the area:
"Ninety-seven per cent of pupils will be black or Asian," he said. "It depends what type of Asian. If they're Chinese, they'll rise to the top. If they're Indian they'll rise to the top. If they're Pakistani they won't."
Wait. It gets even better.
"Stockwell is a coloured area – I have no problem with that," he said. "To be honest, I would far rather Durand took over a secondary school in London, rather than shoving everybody here."
Well. If that's not racism I don't know what is. Talk about sweeping generalisations. And the language too; coloured? I believe that term went out of vogue about 25 years ago. I also think it's funny how he wasn't available to comment for The Guardian but found the time to talk to The Mail on Sunday who did the whole expose in the first place. Which by the way ties in very nicely with their whole thinly veiled racist ethos. I have a sneaking suspicion that this story might have been deliberately slanted in this way by those sneaky Right-wing journalists, and they have suckered him for a fool but this raises my point - why do people not think before they speak?
Seriously, do these people have no internal monologue, forethought or just plain fucking common sense? A friend of mine summed this whole thing up quite succinctly saying: 'This is a fake right? No-one would be stupid enough to actually say this, even if they thought it, surely?' I mean putting the whole racist thing aside for a minute, what kind of moron says such outlandish and controversial stuff TO THE PRESS??? I can't actually decide what is worse; people in authority having and voicing clearly racist views to the public, or having people in authority who are so lacking in self-awareness and basic common sense to just blurt out this kind of shit.
For Christ's sake. Think on! I'm perfectly aware that they are people who do hold those kinds of views but it seems people will never learn that when you are in a position of authority or power or in the public eye, you can't just say whatever the hell you like and expect it not to come back and bite you in the ass. Because it will. Like Paris Brown, the (now) former youth police and crime commissioner who had to publicly apologise over racist and offensive tweets before resigning. To be fair to her (and I'm not in any way condoning the things she wrote) she was just a silly little 14 year old teenager when she put this stuff on Twitter, I mean what teenager doesn't say stupid things they later wished they could take back? But that is my point, there is a lesson to be learned here people: say something on Twitter and once it's out there and been read you can't take it back. It's not the playground where people will have forgotten by the next day.
Then there's Sergeant Jeremy Scott who quit The Met following comments about hoping Margaret Thatcher's death was painful and degrading. Now he's not a silly teenager and should probably have known better. He's probably kicking himself now having ruined his career for a few thoughtless Tweets. It just seems a bit thick to me.
People are allowed their own opinions about everything, of course they are but it doesn't seem to be sinking in that when you put something out there into the world people will read it and react to it. These are not the first examples of this sort of thing and I am certain they will not be the last, but people of the world, take a little bit of advice from me: think first, speak second.
"Ninety-seven per cent of pupils will be black or Asian," he said. "It depends what type of Asian. If they're Chinese, they'll rise to the top. If they're Indian they'll rise to the top. If they're Pakistani they won't."
Wait. It gets even better.
"Stockwell is a coloured area – I have no problem with that," he said. "To be honest, I would far rather Durand took over a secondary school in London, rather than shoving everybody here."
Well. If that's not racism I don't know what is. Talk about sweeping generalisations. And the language too; coloured? I believe that term went out of vogue about 25 years ago. I also think it's funny how he wasn't available to comment for The Guardian but found the time to talk to The Mail on Sunday who did the whole expose in the first place. Which by the way ties in very nicely with their whole thinly veiled racist ethos. I have a sneaking suspicion that this story might have been deliberately slanted in this way by those sneaky Right-wing journalists, and they have suckered him for a fool but this raises my point - why do people not think before they speak?
Seriously, do these people have no internal monologue, forethought or just plain fucking common sense? A friend of mine summed this whole thing up quite succinctly saying: 'This is a fake right? No-one would be stupid enough to actually say this, even if they thought it, surely?' I mean putting the whole racist thing aside for a minute, what kind of moron says such outlandish and controversial stuff TO THE PRESS??? I can't actually decide what is worse; people in authority having and voicing clearly racist views to the public, or having people in authority who are so lacking in self-awareness and basic common sense to just blurt out this kind of shit.
For Christ's sake. Think on! I'm perfectly aware that they are people who do hold those kinds of views but it seems people will never learn that when you are in a position of authority or power or in the public eye, you can't just say whatever the hell you like and expect it not to come back and bite you in the ass. Because it will. Like Paris Brown, the (now) former youth police and crime commissioner who had to publicly apologise over racist and offensive tweets before resigning. To be fair to her (and I'm not in any way condoning the things she wrote) she was just a silly little 14 year old teenager when she put this stuff on Twitter, I mean what teenager doesn't say stupid things they later wished they could take back? But that is my point, there is a lesson to be learned here people: say something on Twitter and once it's out there and been read you can't take it back. It's not the playground where people will have forgotten by the next day.
Then there's Sergeant Jeremy Scott who quit The Met following comments about hoping Margaret Thatcher's death was painful and degrading. Now he's not a silly teenager and should probably have known better. He's probably kicking himself now having ruined his career for a few thoughtless Tweets. It just seems a bit thick to me.
People are allowed their own opinions about everything, of course they are but it doesn't seem to be sinking in that when you put something out there into the world people will read it and react to it. These are not the first examples of this sort of thing and I am certain they will not be the last, but people of the world, take a little bit of advice from me: think first, speak second.
Saturday 20 April 2013
On your marks. Get set. Go.
OK Let's just put this out there right from the start. I am a virgin. A virgin blogger anyway. I have never written a diary. I don't often put my opinions out in the wider world via Facebook or Twitter. In fact you could say I am eternally sat on the fence where opinions are concerned. It seems I am primarily concerned about the possibility of offending people - better not say that, my Left Wing friends might not agree. Better not say that, it might upset my Atheist buddies. Whatever people say just nod and smile and politely agree. Best not to rock the boat. Cause an argument. Upset anyone.
Then something odd happened to me the other day. I have recently started internet dating and have been signed up to a site for a couple of weeks on the recommendation of a friend. Out of the blue I got a message from a guy who, upon reading my profile told me he thought I sounded 'cool as fuck'. This took me aback somewhat. Really? Me? Err OK. But this is not something that has ever been said to me before. Obviously my friends like me a lot and think I'm cool, my family love me, and I'm pretty good at rubbing along with most people. But cool? Well that's just not me, is it? Someone who's cool as fuck fulfils a completely different set of criteria than myself in my head. We have sent loads of messages back and forth and he said that there's loads he wants to talk to me about and he knew he was right in his first assessment of me.
Now this raises two issues for me. Firstly, we were chatting about blogs - more specifically his blog - and he encouraged me to start one. So I gave it some thought and realised that, yes, I do have lots of opinions that are actually very valid. I'm not a stupid or ignorant person, and if I'm really honest with myself I do have loads of opinions on a variety of things that I am just usually too scared to voice. My close friends will testify to the fact that I am certainly no wall flower and in the right company I can easily be the centre of conversation. So this is my attempt at finding my voice and putting my opinions out there.
Secondly, I realised that a lot of people I know don't really know the true me. In truth, I would say that there is one, maybe two people who I am completely honest with and know everything about my life and what I am feeling at any particular time. All the rest get an edited version of what I want them to see. 'You always have a smile when you need one' or 'You seem much happier and more like your usual self' are comments that I have had recently. Which is lovely to hear - don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with that, it's just that they don't know I was sat on my bed irrationally sobbing for an hour yesterday. Or felt so depressed I didn't even leave the house last weekend.
Everyone has different versions of themselves that they project to different people at different times. I have loads. I am cheerful, friendly and always enthusiastic at work, but will moan and bitch to my friend about how much I hate people. I hate confrontation in a professional setting but used to make a sport out of antagonising my sister. I swear like a trooper when with certain friends but not others and certainly never around kids. All of which got me thinking: who am I? Who is the real me? When am I really myself? I thought my ex knew me inside out until he broke my heart and ran off with a moon-faced slapper (but that's another story) but I can see with hindsight I even acted differently when around him.
For just over a year now I have been attempting to re-connect with myself and find out who I really am. I am no longer scared to spend time simply enjoying my own company and I am slowly piecing together who I really am. Not work me, not friend me, not relative me. Just me.
So this blog is part of the process in discovering this. We'll see what happens. Maybe I won't have anything interesting to say, in which case I hope I'll have the good grace and common sense not to write anything at all. Maybe I'll discover a whole new side to myself I never knew existed. Either way I am excited and optimistic for what this holds for me.
So I speak mostly to myself when I say this but...watch this space.....
Then something odd happened to me the other day. I have recently started internet dating and have been signed up to a site for a couple of weeks on the recommendation of a friend. Out of the blue I got a message from a guy who, upon reading my profile told me he thought I sounded 'cool as fuck'. This took me aback somewhat. Really? Me? Err OK. But this is not something that has ever been said to me before. Obviously my friends like me a lot and think I'm cool, my family love me, and I'm pretty good at rubbing along with most people. But cool? Well that's just not me, is it? Someone who's cool as fuck fulfils a completely different set of criteria than myself in my head. We have sent loads of messages back and forth and he said that there's loads he wants to talk to me about and he knew he was right in his first assessment of me.
Now this raises two issues for me. Firstly, we were chatting about blogs - more specifically his blog - and he encouraged me to start one. So I gave it some thought and realised that, yes, I do have lots of opinions that are actually very valid. I'm not a stupid or ignorant person, and if I'm really honest with myself I do have loads of opinions on a variety of things that I am just usually too scared to voice. My close friends will testify to the fact that I am certainly no wall flower and in the right company I can easily be the centre of conversation. So this is my attempt at finding my voice and putting my opinions out there.
Secondly, I realised that a lot of people I know don't really know the true me. In truth, I would say that there is one, maybe two people who I am completely honest with and know everything about my life and what I am feeling at any particular time. All the rest get an edited version of what I want them to see. 'You always have a smile when you need one' or 'You seem much happier and more like your usual self' are comments that I have had recently. Which is lovely to hear - don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with that, it's just that they don't know I was sat on my bed irrationally sobbing for an hour yesterday. Or felt so depressed I didn't even leave the house last weekend.
Everyone has different versions of themselves that they project to different people at different times. I have loads. I am cheerful, friendly and always enthusiastic at work, but will moan and bitch to my friend about how much I hate people. I hate confrontation in a professional setting but used to make a sport out of antagonising my sister. I swear like a trooper when with certain friends but not others and certainly never around kids. All of which got me thinking: who am I? Who is the real me? When am I really myself? I thought my ex knew me inside out until he broke my heart and ran off with a moon-faced slapper (but that's another story) but I can see with hindsight I even acted differently when around him.
For just over a year now I have been attempting to re-connect with myself and find out who I really am. I am no longer scared to spend time simply enjoying my own company and I am slowly piecing together who I really am. Not work me, not friend me, not relative me. Just me.
So this blog is part of the process in discovering this. We'll see what happens. Maybe I won't have anything interesting to say, in which case I hope I'll have the good grace and common sense not to write anything at all. Maybe I'll discover a whole new side to myself I never knew existed. Either way I am excited and optimistic for what this holds for me.
So I speak mostly to myself when I say this but...watch this space.....
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