On your marks. Get set. Go.

OK Let's just put this out there right from the start. I am a virgin. A virgin blogger anyway. I have never written a diary. I don't often put my opinions out in the wider world via Facebook or Twitter. In fact you could say I am eternally sat on the fence where opinions are concerned. It seems I am primarily concerned about the possibility of offending people - better not say that, my Left Wing friends might not agree. Better not say that, it might upset my Atheist buddies. Whatever people say just nod and smile and politely agree. Best not to rock the boat. Cause an argument. Upset anyone.

Then something odd happened to me the other day. I have recently started internet dating and have been signed up to a site for a couple of weeks on the recommendation of a friend.  Out of the blue I got a message from a guy who, upon reading my profile told me he thought I sounded 'cool as fuck'. This took me aback somewhat. Really? Me? Err OK. But this is not something that has ever been said to me before. Obviously my friends like me a lot and think I'm cool, my family love me, and I'm pretty good at rubbing along with most people. But cool? Well that's just not me, is it? Someone who's cool as fuck fulfils a completely different set of criteria than myself in my head. We have sent loads of messages back and forth and he said that there's loads he wants to talk to me about and he knew he was right in his first assessment of me.

Now this raises two issues for me. Firstly, we were chatting about blogs - more specifically his blog - and he encouraged me to start one. So I gave it some thought and realised that, yes, I do have lots of opinions that are actually very valid. I'm not a stupid or ignorant person, and if I'm really honest with myself I do have loads of opinions on a variety of things that I am just usually too scared to voice. My close friends will testify to the fact that I am certainly no wall flower and in the right company I can easily be the centre of conversation. So this is my attempt at finding my voice and putting my opinions out there.

Secondly, I realised that a lot of people I know don't really know the true me. In truth, I would say that there is one, maybe two people who I am completely honest with and know everything about my life and what I am feeling at any particular time. All the rest get an edited version of what I want them to see.  'You always have a smile when you need one' or 'You seem much happier and more like your usual self' are comments that I have had recently. Which is lovely to hear - don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with that, it's just that they don't know I was sat on my bed irrationally sobbing for an hour yesterday. Or felt so depressed I didn't even leave the house last weekend.

Everyone has different versions of themselves that they project to different people at different times. I have loads. I am cheerful, friendly and always enthusiastic at work, but will moan and bitch to my friend about how much I hate people. I hate confrontation in a professional setting but used to make a sport out of antagonising my sister. I swear like a trooper when with certain friends but not others and certainly  never around kids. All of which got me thinking: who am I? Who is the real me? When am I really myself? I thought my ex knew me inside out until he broke my heart and ran off with a moon-faced slapper (but that's another story) but I can see with hindsight I even acted differently when around him.

For just over a year now I have been attempting to re-connect with myself and find out who I really am. I am no longer scared to spend time simply enjoying my own company and I am slowly piecing together who I  really am.  Not work me, not friend me, not relative me. Just me.

So this blog is part of the process in discovering this. We'll see what happens. Maybe I won't have anything interesting to say, in which case I hope I'll have the good grace and common sense not to write anything at all. Maybe I'll discover a whole new side to myself I never knew existed. Either way I am excited and optimistic for what this holds for me.

So I speak mostly to myself when I say this but...watch this space.....